Uuuuggghh! My intentions of being more active on this blog he been stunted by constant nausea. What a rough few weeks it has been! The constant head-in-toilet action around here has put a damper on my "joy" of being a mom.
More than anything lately I struggle wit the dreaded "g-word"...... Guilt. I feel guilty for not being my usual upbeat, energetic, fun, stimulating mom to Luke. I once prided myself on the fact that my son never watched any TV other than on long car rides. Now he is watching an hour + every day because it's the only thing to keep him entertained while I have regular dates with the porcelain throne. As an educator I know just how critical these months are in Luke's developmental growth and yet I can't bring myself to given him what I know he deserves.
I feel guilty that I can't nurse him as often and as long as I used to. My milk supply has dropped significantly and the pain I feel after about 10 minutes is too much to bear. It's been hard to Luke to adjust to not nursing to sleep every night. He'll say, "Mommmy mo (more)?" and my response is "Mommy needs to make more, you drank it all up." Which is always followed by a big ol cry from him. He even said last night "Put baaaa (back)". He wanted to put he milk he drank back so he could nurse more. Poor lil guy.
I feel guilty for not being as excited for this new little sprout growing in me as I was with Luke. Of course I am excited but it's just been really hard to be thrilled that my constant morning sickness is here interrupting my supermom-ness with Luke.
I feel guilty that I haven't been able to eat as well during the first trimester with this new one as I was when pregnant with Luke. I've been living on carbs, eggs and bananas as compared to the tons of veggies and fruit I ate during my first pregnancy.
(Side note: I had my first prenatal doctor's appointment last week! I really was excited for it and to hear the little heartbeat that's hiding inside of my belly. Two days later I had a "dating ultrasound". It turns out that I am only 12 weeks tomorrow so new due date is September 20th. Oh and yes I am completely IN LOVE with my new baby. It's so hard to explain how it feels! Here is a pic of my newest love.)
(OK, back to guilt...)
I feel guilty as a wife. I haven't been able to hold up my end of our daily chores. Laundry is forever piling up, and when I do manage to get it done it never manages to find it's way into their drawers, shelves as hangers. Meals have been mediocre. Cleaning is just not in the cards. Oh and intimacy with Mitch is impossible without the threat of puking all over him. My incredibly amazing, supportive husband is wonderful and has picked up my slack without any complaints, yet I still feel guilty. Here is the note I came downstairs to yesterday:
I am an awful pet owner lately. The smell of Jack (our gorgeous flat coated retriever) is enough to make me hurl. And my kitty Holly just wants to cuddle and I can't stand being touched. So yet again I feel guilty.
I know it's hormones that are fuelling these feelings but man it's not fun to deal with. I can't wait for Spring... Hope of a new season, new trimester, new life. A resurgence of all things Laura is definitely in order!