This is how I have spent the last week: sitting beside my son learning as much as I can about the illness that has turned our world upside down. I need to know what the procedures are, what the medicines are, what the body is doing and how it will respond, what the variations and outliers could be, the list goes on and on. Ignorance is not bliss for me. Knowledge is power.
(Anyone who says that a mom can’t read or understand scientific journal articles doesn’t know the power of a mom’s devotion and love for her kids. — I’ve been doing it since we had our first baby 12 years ago.)
As someone who has spent the past 2 decades in a naturalistic, holistic, “hippie” world when it comes to health and wellness, it’s been SO hard to be thrust into conventional medicine world and somehow trust strangers and the drugs that they want to pump into my baby. I respect them and their knowledge and experience but I don’t just want sick care, I want true healing so that means finding some balance in how to supplement their allopathic ways with holistic practices. I don’t want to just heal my son’s body, but care for his heart and soul and spirit too.
I am grateful that we live in this day and age where information is at our fingertips. And I can learn as we go… but always trying to stay one step ahead of what’s coming so I can prepare myself and Lochlan too. When doctors tell me things I need to know what they are talking about with being oblivious to what it is, so I can rephrase it in a way that Lochlan will understand.
The waiting is the hardest part. But at the same time I feel like life has been in fast forward for the last 7 days. The contradictions of this whole experience is wild, but it’s like a strange teeter-totter that is wobbly but weirdly balanced.
So, I sit. And pray. And research. And decipher. And weep. And rise. And confront. And thank. And try not to allow myself to wallow in the guilt and hurt and negativity of it all. And consciously choose to be positive, and uplifting, and strong, and confident as we go through this one step at a time.
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