He was in a lot of physical pain from his lumbar puncture + bone marrow aspirate yesterday. He also was in a lot of emotional pain…
I talked to him about nature not making mistakes. And that since he is nature everything going on in him is for his survival. I told him that the body is always trying its best to heal and live - that when he scrapes his knee his body knows how to heal it, when he breaks a bone the body knows what to do to heal it, + to view his leukemia as healing something inside … something that we can’t see. To try to view this as a blessing. But he just couldn’t get past the pain.
We spent time outside together. He spent time watching tv with his big brother. He had a bath + a nap. While he napped I went outside + cried + prayed to God to bring peace to my little man, + to help him through this.
When Lochlan got up he + I cried a lot together as he expressed how he’s been feeling. He told me he feels shattered + his heart is broken. That he can’t remember the last time he had any fun or true joy. That although he can see beautiful things all around him, life just seems so dark and painful. He said he doesn’t feel like himself, + feels like a “poor helpless little cancer boy”. He said he doesn’t recognize himself. He said he misses me - the pre-cancer version of his mom. He said it would be easier for him just to die. That he wishes he would die so that his spirit could just go up to heaven + meet God + be free of the hurting + of the cancer. He would “find peace there”. This wording was hard to hear after my prayers earlier. He said he’s ok with this being the end for him if God chooses … that he’s had an amazing life until the last little while. That he’s lucky for his 9 years. But that he has no choice but to keep living this nightmare.
As a mom those words are so painful to hear… but even worse was that I knew he truly meant them. They weren’t steroid induced, they were just heartfelt. All I can do is hug him, love him, not let him out of my sight, pray, trust, and let go. Face each day and take things one step at a time.
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