Day 48 of Lochlan’s healing journey with near haploid leukaemia was a quiet one. After a busy week, Lochlan’s fall yesterday, and Mitch and Luke recovering from head colds, a restful Sunday was definitely a good thing.
Lochlan was sore from his fall but he had no bruises, scratches or swelling at all. I touched the sore spots and they weren’t tender at all. I am hopeful he will get his mobility and confidence back soon but until then, we will simply continue to be there for him and help him feel more comfortable in his own abilities.
I have slept by his side for two whole months now. He still wants me there with him and - due to his fall- he still physically needs me here with him. But as I lay here with his arm draped over me, happily trapped under it, I can’t help but realize that he needs me to be here for him emotionally too.
As his mom, I have the privilege and the responsibility of being his safe space. His touch stone. I just wish that I could help him zoom through all of this, so that it would all be over. The fear, the pain, the discomfort, the worry, the heartbreak that he feels each day is hard to watch, and I just wish I could take it all away, and do it all for him so he wouldn’t have to go through it. But I can’t. I have to simply be here and tell him that he doesn’t have to do it alone. That I’ll be with him every step of the way.
Meanwhile Mitch and Luke are here to help but they have to live while Lochlan and I exist. Mitch needs to be able to work and be the outlet for Luke. Luke needs the fun that comes with being a 12 year old boy with more energy and excitement than he knows what to do with. Because as much as they love Lochlan and I, they can’t uproot their lives to have daily trips to the hospital here, and months away for treatment at the children’s hospital. They lean on each other in ways that help them through. And in order for them to cope they need to continue living as normally as possible, which helps Lochlan and I in the end. Because they give us an outlet that helps distract us from the reality of life with leukaemia.
And as Lochlan leans on me as his safe place, I lean on my faith. It gives me strength to carry on and hope that we’ll make it.
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