This morning we headed to the hospital for more chemo. Today we were back to simply walking, and didn’t need a wheelchair. His treatment was a quick infusion so we were in and out and back home before lunch, and we both couldn’t have been more grateful as we were tired and fighting head colds. Lochlan’s back was sore from yesterday’s lumbar puncture as well, so we had a very slow and relaxing afternoon.
He had a nap in the hammock, then hung out with his brother for the majority of the afternoon. And then spent the evening with Mitch while I took Luke to fencing practice.
It’s a hard juggle. Mitch needs to continue to be our provider and work, and be the rock for Luke through this. While I am with Lochlan the majority of the time.. dealing with hospital appointments, instructions, medications, and the pile of integrative/holistic supports I manage. Our family has been so split up by this diagnosis and the fall out, and honestly it’s needed to be that way in order to ensure all the boys’ needs are met. Luke is diving into adolescence and a boy sure needs his dad during this important time. Lochlan’s needs are a mile long, and it’s important that I ensure every need is met. I have slept by Lochlan’s side for over 2 months now because he physically and emotionally needs me. But I can’t help but feel I’m missing out on time with Luke… yet don’t want to miss a second with Lochlan. As a mom I feel so pulled. And as a wife, well Mitch and I agree that right now we need to be parents first, spouses second… which is so opposite of what we normally say. We’ve always been a good team and are on the same page about this whole mess that life has thrown our way.
As I drove to the hospital this morning it hit me that this is what the next 3-8 years of life is going to look like…survival, not necessarily really living. That thought was so overwhelming, and so I did what I always do when I feel overwhelmed: I chose gratitude. I began to think of what I am grateful for and the list was never ending. So despite everything I know I am blessed. And today I got another beautiful day with my boys.
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