Today brought us back to our home hospital. Although he still has to spend 5 more days there, it means Luke and Daddy got to visit.
For the past few days both Lochlan and I have been filled with a feeling of sorrow and despair. We had lots of good talks and plenty of good cries in each other’s arms. But in my exhausted state I was really struggling being upbeat and pulling him out of the negative and sad feelings. So we decided to have Mitch spend the night with Lochlan tonight while I came home for some time with Luke and a good night’s sleep. It broke my heart leaving, because I promised Lochlan that I would be with him every step of the way. Why should I get to come home when he can’t? But I have not slept through the night in over 75 days. I wake up at every toss and turn he has. I wake up every time a nurse comes in (over 14 times last night, just for reference. I wake up just to check to see if he’s still alive. And I am realizing that I need a little rest to keep moving forward. I also realize that Mitch deserves time with our son too. We don’t know what the future holds for Lochlan or how much time we have with him, so I can’t be so selfish, and need to let Mitch have time with him too.
I had a lovely night with Luke though. He talked non-stop on the 45 minute drive home. Then we took the dogs for a walk and he continued to talk and talk. I feel like I’ve missed so much with him. Like I blinked and he grew up. Listening to his stories and all the joy and excitement in his world makes me see our choice of trying to keep life as normal for him as possible here at home was the right one. He is ok. And I needed to know that.
But once again my heart feels divided and I want to be in two places at once. Having our family constantly split up is not how we are meant to be. Mitch and I built the foundation of the four of us at home as the base of our whole life together, yet with Lochlan’s diagnosis we’ve been forced to spend so much time apart, + will continue to as we move forward with treatment. Sigh.
Moving forward one step at a time. But tonight’s step of me being away from him is really hard.!
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